You Can't Fix Stupid

I can't remember if my Dad ever told me that "you can't fix stupid," but I do know I heard it from somewhere.  And today, it still remains a somber reminder of just how dumb our species can be.

From time to time we are exposed to the concept of "Social Darwinism."  Usually we see it in the form of the "Darwin Awards," which reward--typically posthumously--the dullest members of our gene pool.  Sometimes the winners still live.

For instance, take the case of this Australian drunk driver who pulled over briefly, to urinate.  While relieving his bladder, he notices a Taipan Snake--the most venomous snake to roam the planet--and decides to catch it.  As he attempts to catch the snake, the Taipan bites him numerous times on his hands and forearm.  He then stuffs the snake in a bag and proceeds to drive the rest of the way to Melbourne to visit a hospital in the city.

During the drive, he reaches into the bag several more times...resulting in more bites and further poisoning.  The doctors said he had six or seven times the amount of venom that would normally kill a human from a Taipan attack.  He ends up having certain parts of his appendages removed--his right hand and part of the forearm--but, remarkably, lives.

At the very least you have to be impressed by the fact that he managed to stop at a bar on the way to the hospital.

Let's not forget the case of the acclaimed "Grizzly Man," Timothy Treadwell.  He spent 13 summers at Katmai National Park in Alaska.  During this time he came to the conclusion that not only could the bears trust him, but that he could trust the bears.  I remember watching a documentary about this man with my girlfriend at the time.  And I must admit there were some truly remarkable things happening in the film; specifically when a female Grizzly approached him and he realized he was in trouble.  He walked forward stomping and yelling at her in a disapproving way, like a scolding mother.  She simply reversed a bit, turned around and left.  This simple, yet incredibly ludicrous tactic had blown me away.

The documentary reminded me of a Disney movie I saw while in a 9th grade science course called "Never Cry Wolf," in which the main character comes to an inhospitable location to study wolves only to find himself understanding their way of life.  In the certain segments of society, we see this as romantic; in my part of the world, I call it "going native."  Unfortunately for Treadwell, he didn't end up like Farley Mowat in "Never Cry Wolf;" he ended up like a mafia informant...in pieces, in trash bags.  Treadwell (and his lovely lady friend) were devoured by a large male Grizzly during his 13th season at Katmai (which would later be shot and gutted, revealing human remains, hence the garbage bags).  He thought that he could reach out to them...to see into the magical land of the bears and be one of them.

At the very least you have to be impressed by the fact that the bear managed to eat almost two whole people.  I'm thinking Arby's...

Sometimes our hometown cinema even treats us to such idiocy.  Now, I assume that most of you saw "The Dark Knight."  Before any of you jump off the cliff and say, "how could you think that movie is stupid?"  I assure you, I'm not speaking poorly of the film, merely one of its characters.

In case you don't remember, Coleman Reese was a sniveling little accountant at Wayne Enterprises who managed to track down some company money and merchandise to an abandoned sector of research and development.  When he realized what was in that sector and who it was for, he was ready to go public with the information that Bruce Wayne was, in fact, Batman.  Here is his boss', Lucius Fox, response:

"Let me get this straight: You think that your client, one of the wealthiest, most powerful men in the world, is secretly a vigilante who spends his nights beating criminals to a pulp with his bare hands. And your plan is to blackmail this person? Good luck."

At the very least you have to be impressed by the fact that Coleman Reese managed to continue living.

You may have heard the name Ryan Newell before; he's a singer/guitarist, known fairly well on Facebook and Myspace.  He is in an alt rock band called "Sister Hazel" and up until yesterday, was the only "Ryan Newell" in the news.

The other Ryan Newell was arrested Tuesday for stalking Reverend Fred Phelps, his family, and members of his Kansas fellowship, the Westboro Baptist Church (WBC).  Now, I know some of my readers out there are thinking that the name Phelps sounds familiar.  As does the WBC.

That's because he is famous for coming to the quiet town of Laramie--already rocked by the brutal beating (and later death) of a young student named Matthew Shephard--to spread his hate speech with pickets reading, "Matthew Shephard Burns in Hell!" among other vile slogans.  Having already cut his teeth in badgering the community of Laramie, Phelps decided to angle his vitriol at a new target.

Most Americans were having a hard time dealing with two wars as it was, and it was becoming more difficult as their children returned home in caskets.  Fred Phelps had a very easy and direct answer for our grieving, heartbroken families.  You should thank God that your son, daughter, brother, sister, father, or mother has come home in a body bag, because He is using these fatalities as a learning tool for us.  So that we may turn away from homosexuality and other accepted practices that are ruining our great nation.

Cue Sergeant Ryan Newell, a homegrown soldier from Marion, Kansas.  In 2008, he lost both of his legs when an improvised explosive device (IED) detonated while serving a tour of duty in Afghanistan.  Though it has been said many times and many ways, it’s true, a man can only take so much.  I don't feel it necessary to connect the dots or go into details about the psyche that Sgt. Newell must've been in; I will simply default to The Wichita Eagle:

"The weapons charges accuse Newell of unlawfully carrying and concealing or possessing with 'intent to use' an M4 rifle, .45-caliber Glock handgun and .38-caliber Smith and Wesson handgun. Besides the weapons, Newell also had more than 90 rounds of ammunition in his vehicle, sources said."

"The Expendables" have gotta' be jealous.

At the very least you have to respect the man for not being afraid of someone like that…
I'm talking about the legless war veteran.  Reverend Phelps is terrified and running for the very few hills there are in Kansas.

My Old Man may have never told me "you can't fix stupid," but I feel he made a strong case for a similar quotation.  “You don't poke the bear."  Literally, in the case of the late Mr. Treadwell.

Also tacitly communicated in not poking the bear is that if you poke the bear once, or even worse, continue to poke the bear, it's likely that whatever happens to you is your own damn fault.

It's an easy to rule to apply to anything; don't push that precariously placed boulder (lest it crush you), don't drink that whole bottle of liquor (lest you wake up as pain wearing human skin), don't touch the alien meteorite which contains a foreign substance (lest it turns you into a plant; thanks "Creepshow").

It is even easy for me to apply this rule to anyone; don't trash talk the biggest guy in the school, don't spit at the bouncer, don't call a black guy a "nigger," and sure as hell don't mess with a war veteran.

I don't know if Fred Phelps considered the fact that he was insulting a noble brotherhood of warriors.  I don't know if Fred Phelps considered the fact that he was insulting people whose expert training is in killing shit.  I don't know if Fred Phelps considered that he was insulting people coming back from a war that they have a hard time justifying on their own.  I don't know if Fred Phelps has considered a single fucking thing in his entire life.

Maybe, just maybe, after this close call, he will...but maybe I'm giving too much ambition to my hope.

After all, you can't fix stupid.

Cameron Newton is Eligible

When will the NCAA stop shooting itself in the foot? It can't decide what to do with its constituents: ignore them, straight-up screw them, or even break the rules for them.

Anyone who has covered NCAA sports for any brief period of time knows that the NCAA is just as corrupt, unethical, and ridiculous as some of the unions that Jimmy Hoffa controlled in the 70's. We were recently exposed to a heavy dose of this NCAA idiocy when Reggie Bush had his Heisman Trophy "taken away" for receiving improper benefits during his tenure at USC.

It took five years to conclude that Reggie Bush had received his ill-gotten gains. It would take me 17 hours to drive from my home to his, only to see that these gains were well spent. It would only take me another 2 or so hour to drive from his San Diego home to his home at the time, the University of Southern California, to see further proof of his impropriety.

But it's not all "better late than never" justice being ladled out upon USC Trojans past, present, and future. The NCAA even sometimes catches the scared. Dez Bryant was a promising wide receiver for Oklahoma State, and even at the time (of his season-ending suspension) was No. 9 on Mel Kiper's Big Board of top NFL Draft prospects.

Sometime in May of the same year, Dez Bryant had visited the home of NFL great Deion Sanders for dinner. Further inquiry also revealed that he had been with Sanders on other occasions. It turns out, he was being mentored by Prime Time. Sanders was helping him avoid the pitfalls of the college and professional football world. Just to be clear, this isn't uncommon, for instance, Charlie Batch mentors Ohio State standout Terrelle Pryor, which includes texts, phone calls, and visits.

When asked about his relationship with Sanders in an NCAA inquiry, Bryant wasn't sure about the rules in this area, Bryant was a 20-year old kid, Bryant panicked, Bryant lied. I can see myself playing the scenario in my head over and over. Six times out of ten I lie, the other four times, I plead the fifth...but I can't even do that, because it constitutes a violation.

"Refusal to furnish information relevant to an investigation of a possible violation of an NCAA regulation when requested to do so by the NCAA or the individual's institution."
Welcome to NCAA Bylaw 10.1, otherwise known as "Unethical Conduct." The above is Section A. It's kind of hard to feel like you're an American when you can't even access your unalienable rights. Dez Bryant is not an enemy combatant, he's not a spy, and he's not even a politician, but the NCAA still couldn't afford him the same right that Mark McGwire half-heartedly tried to use in front of the Congressional Steroids Hearing in 2005.

That being said, Dez Bryant did in fact violate Section D of the bylaw by furnishing false information to the NCAA.  He would then go on to recant this statement in a second interview with the NCAA (after properly advised to do so). What was Bryant's reward for admitting his wrong and doing the right thing? A suspension through the end of the year...how strange to think that he would’ve been in the same position had he continued to lie.  It's a damn good thing he landed on his feet with the Dallas Cowboys.  

And here we have another prime example of the NCAA mucking up the works in the case of Auburn quarterback Cameron Newton.  Except it hasn't taken five years to get a bearing on whether he is ineligible like with Reggie Bush. I must applaud the NCAA; it took substantially less time to find out the same information!

Cameron Newton is, in fact, eligible.

Apparently, his father (Cecil Newton) received somewhere around $180,000 from a Mississippi State booster for getting Cameron to attend Mississippi State (which he didn't). Naturally, Cecil Newton denies this allegation, but doesn't deny the allegation that he has in fact had conversation(s) with, middleman, Kenny Rogers. Bill Bell, the booster, says that he had discussions with Cecil Newton in which the elder Newton did ask for money to have Cameron attend Mississippi State, but would not divulge any other details.

Regardless, Cameron Newton is, in fact, eligible.

Curious, considering what NCAA Bylaw 12.3 says:

"a student-athlete may not accept transportation or other benefits from an athlete agent. This prohibition applies to the student-athlete and his or her relatives or friends."

This is from a "Latest news" update from the NCAA website. Ironically, this was originally posted to explain exactly why Reggie Bush was liable for his complicity in the USC scandal. Now, I would like to draw your attention to the final portion of this section that reads, "relatives or friends." It seems to reason that Cecil Newton is Cameron Newton's father. Even if the younger Newton never saw a dime of that money, you can bet that he at least can see where it was spent: on a home, on a vehicle, maybe even on a church. Hey, I'm not saying...I'm just saying.

I would now like to submit Exhibit B to the court:

"At a minimum, the student-athlete will be required to repay the value of the impermissible benefits and will be withheld from a certain number of contests, based on case precedent."

It sounds like Cecil Newton, via Cameron, should have to repay the $180,000. Additionally, Cameron should be removed from a certain number of games based on precedent. I'd say the closest case on file is...Reggie Bush, whose family received somewhere over $100,000 in illegal benefits from an agent. According to the current logic from the NCAA Bylaw 12.3 (the case precedent notion), it follows that Cameron Newton should've been ineligible this entire season, which also includes the SEC Championship this weekend and any other National Championship game thereafter.

Regardless, Cameron Newton is, in fact, eligible.

Fast forward five years into the future...

Cameron Newton, now a hot shot QB who has spent several years following in the footsteps of Michael Vick--no, not those footsteps--and Donovan McNabb, solidifies the position of the Black quarterback; a man who can beat you with his feet, his arm, and his mind. He is able to perform all of these tasks despite the looming horror that stands before him.  Auburn University has vacated 13 wins from its 2010-2011 season, including the National Championship victory and the crystal football that symbolizes it. Now, the Heisman Trust is demanding something from him that they never even asked of Reggie Bush, "give us back our trophy."

Regardless, Cameron Newton was, in fact, eligible.