Greatest Comebacks Ever...!

WARNING: May not be appropriate for young children...or playa hatas.
Today's story is set around a young man who turned 21 this last October. He is a guy who is well versed in politics, sports and technology. When the day started, he knew it would be important, but never guessed it would be his GREATEST COMEBACK EVER! *tune ESPN music* (Voiced by Steve Sabol).
This kid (we'll call him ne0) was up around 11:30 the night before his birthday when he proceeded to call up his friend, Yankee Fan. He and Yankee Fan's girl decide to go to a local bar for drinks at midnight. ne0 figures he's only going to get to drink tonight because of a big exam the day after his birthday. At the bar he proceeds to have two beers, a teabag (that's right a teabag) and an Irish Car Bomb, he goes home slightly dazed at about 12:45 and goes to sleep in a warm cushy bed. He wakes the next day to his 21 year old glory, he showers and goes to class as happy as can be, except for the fact that he has class until six (which includes a test). He heads home after the last bell rings its joyful tune.
Upon arriving at home, ne0 eats dinner and plays a little Playstation 2. His roomates: Soldier and Blackburns remember its his birthday and demand to take him out. ne0 says he has a big exam the next day and will only get a few faggy birthday shots. ne0 studies for the next hour and is still unsure of his test. Blackburns and Soldier say its time to go, so Blackburns' girl agrees to drive.
The first bar is Milligan's and ne0 is uncomfortable with all the creepy middle aged men trying to get poon from the college girls in the bar. ne0 flips out his id and gets a Three Wisemen (Jose Cuervo, Jack Daniels and Captain Morgan), slams it and gets the hell out before someone mistakes his long hair to be that of a lady's and tries to rape him. Second stop yields a shot of Wild Turkey, an Irish Car Bomb, a Sam Adams and a Duck's Fart (don't ask), then across the street to a shot of Yukon Jack. It suddenly dawns on ne0, he is not going to stop drinking tonight, he will drink all the liquor the world has and be victorious, all knowledge of the test fades away into a drunken haze of whiskey shots.
After some bench walking the next stop yields a tall douchebag saying "Maximum Occupancy". ne0 looks downtroden and then remembers that this bar is for yuppie fuckoffs, "To the next bar!" ne0 declares to the shock and awe of his party and one drunk trying to slurp up the rest of his fallen drink in the street. ne0 decides to slow it down and really try to get beat to death tonight "I'll have a panty dropper", as the music shuts down and the lights come on to spotlight him, he realizes that he won't get beatup, he has long hair, but looks like a man because of his facial hair. No one is convinced, so he has a shot of tequila compliments of BanjoMan (a local superhero he happens to know). The party trods across the dangerous valley of Ivinson to the Cowpoke Bar and has an Oatmeal Cookie. ne0 exclaims "Wow, that tastes like an oatmeal cookie!" and has another. The Mountee Bar is next, and a couple more shots, a tie me to the bedpost and another Duck's Fart which happens to taste like a shot of whiskey, which happened to be shot out of a yeast infected vagina. Down to Silver's Lounge gets ne0 a Copper's Topper, good, but no liquor in there, and a sex on the beach, might as well not be liquor in there, and finally a blowjob, liquor in there, but hard to taste.
A storyline unfolds in that Blackburns' girlfriend is trying to be boarded by another mate, let's call him Private Dancer. Private Dancer asks Blackburn's pasty ass for his girls hand in a dance (her name from this point forward is Diana Jones). Diana Jones looks at Blackburns with a if you let him touch me, I hate you for life look. I look at Blackburns who has a he'll beat me to death look. What does he do...? He smiles, c'mon he's shitfaced. Blackburns says no, Private Dancer says no biggie and ends up dancing with and then most likely ends up having sex with white Tina Turner (meaning over 50 and wrinkley). Now...to the dive bar. An Alabama Slammer for ne0, yum! ne0 is pretty messed up but is determined to finish the bar circuit. As the party moves on, they notice that ne0 is still doing well, something is wrong and they realize that his mutant power is holding liquor, they decide to challenge that. They take him to Mingle's, where an evil monster called "The Green Martian" lives, ne0 says "Fuck that bitch, I'll take him down." ne0 does it...he can't believe it, a friend (Bizarro) buys him a shot of Jaeger too. One problem, he can't believe it because he does not remember because ne0 blacked the fuck out after he conquered the Green Martian, which actually conquered him. The party soon realizes that holding liquor is not ne0's super power.
If anyone reading this knows the individuals who joined ne0 above, you'll have to ask them what happened from this point until ne0 woke up in his bed with a piece of bread in this hand. The rest of the night breaks down like this Soldier takes care of ne0: bread, water, water, bread, crying, bread, water, sleep.
He awakes a full two hours before his test ne0 stares at the 8:00 a.m. time on his clock and smacks his lips from the cotton mouth. For some reason he has the shivers, he's not sure if he's a crack junky who has recently become addicted or a recent pnumonia patient. His headache isn't too bad and as if through divine inspiration a voice says "ne0! 1 1/2 glasses of water, 2 pieces of bread and 4 ibuprofen," he abliges. ne0 studies for maybe ten minutes on his exam and goes to class shaking like Jamie Foxx in "Ray". ne0 sits at the computer and takes his exam slowly and judiciously, then goes to the rest of his classes. He goes home and eats and sleeps for an hour, the next day he receives his test score...a 90%. The only words that could form from his voice box were as follows "Boo-fuckin-yah!" He later finds out that the test he took the day before his birthday yielded an 86% and the test he took on his birthday yielded a 92.5%. Again, the only words that could be heard were "Boo-fuckin-yah!"
This concludes another episode of ESPN's Greatest Comebacks EVER! *cue ESPN music* I'm Steve Sabol, until next time...